This year, Carers Week runs from 8th to 14th June. The theme is ‘Building carer-friendly communities’.

This topic has already generated much contemplation, both for myself and many of the carer charities who are campaigning for increased support and awareness of unpaid carers in the community. But what does this mean exactly, and why do we need to campaign for it?

I am what is known in the care sector as a full-time unpaid carer. I look after my mum who has advanced dementia. I have been Mum’s full-time carer since February 2024 and am no longer able to work in any capacity.

I’d like to say that during this time I have had an abundance of support and assistance from our local community, but I haven’t. It’s not that I’ve been looking for it, or even that I expected it, because I didn’t. But taking a moment to highlight this as a theme across the UK… I feel the focus could be on friendly or caring communities in general, as I think we’ve lost a lot of our community trust and togetherness over the decades. I do see this campaign as a positive step.

The thing that bothers me a whole lot more than a community not being there for me, however, is the community that Mum has lived in, supported, and served for 50 years not being there for her.

As Mum’s mental health declined, so did her community. Indeed, it was 13 or so years ago, when Dad developed Parkinson’s and then dementia, that the community they had both been an active part of since 1975 started to look the other way.

Watching this form of rejection has disturbed me a whole lot more than their community not being there for me.

I believe we need a significant culture shift in our communities, and not just in relation to carer support. We need to get better at community support in general. I see so many aging couples, all with their own issues, trying to look after each other, with absolutely no support whatsoever. Where did we go so wrong. When did our priorities change from each other to materialism and distraction.

I think there are a few things at play:

1. People are confronted by other people’s illness and pain. It’s easier to turn away than to face the inner demons that are creating the barriers.

2. People are scared they might have to get involved, and so they tell themselves they don’t want to interfere. A bit of help, some shopping, a portion of soup from time to time … this is definitely not getting involved or interfering. The most support I’ve had from the community is a few moments when random young men have stopped traffic to make sure I had plenty of time to help Mum across the road, or approached us in Asda to check we were okay and then sought us out before they left to see if they could help carry shopping to the car. The same thing happened with Dad, strangers going out their way to see if we needed assistance. These strangers bring tears to my eyes, every single time.

I find it very interesting that it’s people who don’t know us that help us the most. My heart would burst open if someone asked if I needed anything while they were at the shops. I spend a lot of my limited and precious respite time in supermarkets. If someone’s making soup, it would save me having to think for one meal if they made double and left a portion on the doorstep. It would touch me in a way I don’t think anybody really appreciates, and I don’t think it would be too difficult a thing to do. I was very moved last Christmas that a friend had made, and left, two portions of a beautiful home-made curry outside our door on Christmas morning. She had cooked for me, driven a ten-mile return trip for me, and been a true fairy godmother leaving the best and most meaningful, practical Christmas gift I could have received.

Lesley MacCulloch